i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
