cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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