Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
