Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
