the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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