Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
