When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
