no, he came in my armpit
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize