I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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