i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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