I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
