we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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