i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
