the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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