apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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