i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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