What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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