I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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