I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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