Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
we're making bets on your personal life
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
