I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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