I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
