you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
