I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
