I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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