My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
