i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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