you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
