I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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