he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
