you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
