you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
