You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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