drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
