He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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