Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
