Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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