just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
