i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
