he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
