U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
