I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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