No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
