bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My bed smells like the plague
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
