I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
