everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
