My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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