Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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