I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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