Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
