I hate all girls vehemently.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
