thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
