I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
it's like heaven, but drunker
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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