Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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