The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
