when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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