I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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