That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
