I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
