there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
