I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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