I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
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